Just who is this guy Bill Becquart, anyway?
I am the man you are looking for!
(Especially if you are a member of law enforcement…)
All real women want me…
(1) To leave them alone
(2) to stop calling them
(3) and/or to obey the current restraining order(s).
I am one of a few post-modern, avant-garde computer wizards. I have a plethora of solutions and I am a virtual cornucopia of knowledge. I am a huge mountain of a man, often seen fixin’ a server with one hand while comforting the frustrated computer user with the other. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down (oh wait, here it is!) I breed prize-winning clams. I once saved a small bird’s life by performing the only known instance of an aerial Heimlich Maneuver.
I know all of the DOS commands. I once solved a Rubik’s Cube (by taking it apart.) Science wants my brain. I know the exact location of every orbiting electron in a computer’s processor. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. Once, while on vacation in McLoud, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I am a nuclear physicist and a Nobel Prize winning underwater basket weaver.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami and non-lethal Geocaching.
Children trust me.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike intellect. I am a master at all forms of love making, am hung like a Clydesdale and can last for days..
I can pilot PCs up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I can cook Thirty-Minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in certain parts of Pottawatomie County. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I flew an F-15 prototype during World War II over Viet Nam and received the only Modesty Medal ever given by President Truman.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello; the Mets scouted me. I am the subject of numerous documentaries on both the Discovery and the History Channels. I enjoy urban hang gliding. I have completed both a duathlon and a triathlon in the same day and won 1st place in both events.. I repair electrical appliances free of charge for the elderly. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to reload Windows 2003 Server on my home computer that evening (after baking a soufflé.)
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless Quake 3 player (have you seen Ruth?) Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy eveningwear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have thrice been caller number nine on KJ-103 and won the movie passes. I teach Ancient Arabic Sanskrit to Croatian immigrants. Las summer, I toured Tecumseh with a traveling centripetal-force demonstration team. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international circles. Dogs lick my face without coercion.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and I have some of my bills paid. I know the secret to the perpetual motion machine. I have been known to completely refurbish a 300-node LAN on my lunch break, making them more efficient regarding traffic flow. I write award-winning operas and I manage time efficiently. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my backyard out of parts I salvage from abandoned missile silos. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I bat .400. I toured with the Beatles and am an avid amateur astronaut. Just last week I was elected President of the Walter Middy Society of America and I am a member in good standing of the International Liars Club (although I am neither a lawyer nor a politician… yet.) I have many more wondrous aspects, but if I told you any more… I’d have to kill you.
In light of my many qualifications and capabilities, I believe you should consider me for an executive position with your company or perhaps as a husband for your young daughter.
In closing, I must state the obvious: The clarity is devastating, but where is the ambiguity? (Oh, it’s over there in a box.)
Bill Becquart (Jenius i.m.)
CNE, MCSE, CPI, SSE, GCE, BMF, MBS , NRA, CRI, OMR, RRR, DUTS, TNS, BPC, RFSC, MBC, LMH, IRPH, HNN, FMT, HBF, NCP , OKGC, RRPG